hyper-independence

learning to be a tree planted by water

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose trust is the LORD.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.

Jeremiah 17:7–8

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hyper-independence has been a part of my self-proclaimed identity for a very long time.

eldest daughter.

bread-winner.

“mom” friend.

keep it all bottled in.

accustomed to doing things alone.

i don’t often consult others on my decisions. i experience stress and no one ever knows. i feel responsible for others. i feel lonely sometimes. there is an isolation that is created through hyper-independence, because you don’t let others in, no one shares the weight with you, or knows how to show up for you, and even though you don’t want to be alone, walls are created. and although, somedays you might think, this kinda sucks… there is a level of comfortability in the lonesomeness.

and sometimes, when that lonely feeling is a bit too much, it can be filled with things, or people that don’t exactly help. a little bit open, with some control. not measured by anything more than fleshy feelings and thoughts.

as i am navigating adulthood, and in my reconciliation with Jesus, a revelation has been brought to my attention— hyper-independence is a symptom of something much bigger: a lack of trust.

the independence and loneliness is a reflection of mistrust in the heart. i haven’t trusted that others can do things for me. i haven’t trusted that their help is true. i haven’t trusted that they can carry the weight, after i have carried it alone for so long. worst of all, i haven’t trusted God.

some lessons are learned through fire, confrontation and correction from the Spirit. a couple of weeks ago, i was in conversation with the Lord, where He brought something to surface about me that honestly i wasn’t ready to address, but that was definitely pulling on my spirit. i began trusting in myself too much, and dabbling in entertainment from a man, honestly something i shouldn’t have been doing. i was just trying to fill a void, even if it was temporarily. the conversation went like this:

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ambar, who is xxxxx?

my friend.

your friend from… where?

i met him years ago. on the internet…

okay…but who is he to you?

he’s just my friend. he used to like me

years ago but we are only friends now.

does he believe in me?

yes..

ok, does he know me?

no…

did you ask me if you could speak with him?

no…

so…what are you doing? are you lonely?

i..honestly don’t know. i guess yes, i am.

why don’t you tell me that?

why don’t you come to me?

Lord, i don’t know.

are you trying to hide things from me?

i know that i can’t..

so you just don’t trust me?

…

i can’t help you if you don’t tell me.

or maybe even if you asked,

i would have said no, but i could have

helped you, in this feeling. in this

loneliness.

i’m sorry, Lord. i didn’t think

of it that way. i guess i don’t

think i can come to you in that way.

you can come to me with

anything. you need to come

to me with everything. i want

every single thing. every single day.

you cannot afford to not include

me in all things. you are not alone.

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how can i not trust a God who very intentionally pulls me out of my mistrust, shows me He is all knowing, ever present, and reminds me that even in my rut, He can do a beautiful work. when we allow ourselves to see God in this way, to trust Him in this way, it creates so much room in our hearts and the stone chips away. our formation in the Lord begins the moment we say yes to Him searching our hearts. the yes needs to be given, the truth needs to be brought to the surface.

when we don’t believe that God is able to help us with all the internal battles we have, we can fall into isolation, we allow for doors to be opened that could lead to situations. we allow ourselves to be convinced that God is not our Father, who cares for us, who loves us, who gave His life for us and has LIVED for us. all He wants is our yes. all He wants is our dependence.

all that He wants is our trust.

to plant us by streams of water,

never worrying for heat,

never anxious in drought,

always bearing fruit.

when i depend on God, i am showing Him that i trust Him. i can’t do it by my strength. i need Him everyday, all the time, when i am lonely, when i am joyous, when i am overwhelmed, when i am weak. i need Him all the time.

when we depend on God we allow ourselves to see that all things, can be turned for His good. who am i to ever think, that the God who turns nothings into somethings, couldn’t glorify Himself through my loneliness. as He is doing now, simply because i am leaning in and trusting.

i know i will never be perfect, but i also know that i can be in a better spot with You. i don’t want to depend on me, i know that. i don’t want to keep feeling You in this way. i want to grow. correction is hard. this hyper independence in me needs to be removed.

remove it from me, Father.

from my 2/28 journal entry

i encourage you, to ask Him to search your heart and reveal in what ways you aren’t trusting Him, and how that shows up in your life. hyper-independence is how it has showed up for me. since this revelation, i am intentionally bringing things to the Lord, talking His ear off. asking Him for His thoughts. like a daughter, who so desperately needs her father. learning to depend. learning to lean in.

He will bring it to surface, and if you allow Him, He will begin to heal you.

I want to end this with a prayer:

Father in heaven, we glorify You, Jesus. You are the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords. the Sovereign Lord who is all knowing, above all things. You are an incredible God, the epitome of goodness.

i pray for every person who reads these words. i pray that You touch our hearts, Lord, and open us up to the possibility of putting every single thing in Your hands. that we grow big, open, reckless trust in You, with every single thing, and every single day. i pray that You remove any barriers in our lives that makes us believe that You do not care about our struggles, our insecurities, and our weakness. break the enemy’s teeth so that his words are murmurs, background noise, indistinguishable and for Your voice to be louder than anything and anyone else, Jesus. You are the only one who matters in our lives, and we need You more. less of us, more of You, Lord. thank You so much for your endless love and mercy, may we never take Your love for granted.

in Jesus name, amen.

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